I have a sister, 10 years my junior. We fight often. When we were much younger than now, we were very close. She was sweet, innocent, and plain. I remember the first time we had a big, big fight, I slapped her hard. I cannot bear being answered back sarcastically when all I was telling her was for her own good, or maybe I don’t. I’m just so mad at being answered back. She changed through the years and I, too. She had new set of friends when she entered her College and she had more influences from other different people. She had grown to become a different person and, maybe, I was not prepared for it . I have always revered that sweet sister I had. We outgrew each other. And I think, that’s where it started.
Our usual fights trigger from just small things like her unintentionally banging a door and it just comes in leaps and bounds because it is always about a lot of things for me and just one thing for her. So many things ran through my head and I know where they come from, that when she tries to explain, I can’t hear her. I think I have these suppressed feelings of longing and wanting to turn back the time when I can still influence her and make her my little sister once more. I just get so frustrated that every time these little triggers happen, I just so love to escalate things and start a war.
What added up to my frustrations is how she treats other people with so much respect and talks about them with so much pride, and I have not heard her appreciate me in a long time. My ears would bleed, so does my heart when she does that. She signed up for this all-girls group and she calls them “sisters”. You can guess it is a Sorority. I once asked her,” Am I, your sister by blood, still not enough for you?” She never answered back. From then, I don’t want to hear what her answer is.
Our wars were always so cold that they run for days, weeks, and even months. I promise I can even do that in years, If she wanted it. I don’t know what went wrong. Was it just me? My frustrations and all? Or was it really her? The walls between us became hard and sturdy through time and I can’t make it crumble already. My pride already had me. I am her older sister and she’s just my little sister.
It is so hard. Thinking and feeling at the same time. We live together under a same roof, so near yet so far. I am really trying to decipher things. I know this can’t go on forever. I know when we fight, we hurt ourselves, and we hurt our family. And I was thinking that maybe, if I treat her more of a friend than a sister, we won’t fight anymore. Just maybe.